fbpx

How to Have Patience During Your Marriage Crisis

You wake up and for a moment you think, “Thank god it was all just a dream…” 

Then you roll over and her side of the bed is still made. And it just punches you in the gut. I know what it feels like, because I've been there.

"I need space from you..."
 
You feel it all over your body. But you drag yourself out of bed… maybe you have to wake the kids for school… or you have to dress for work. If you’re anything like me, you wish at that moment that you could mainline coffee. But no matter what, the day will not wait for you. Life goes on.

And yet so many times you just wish it could be over. You just wish that the pain would subside and give you a break. And when the next wave of grief crashes over you, you think, “I don't know if I can go on.”

Believe it or not, the real misery comes from not being able to accept this new reality. Your brain keeps trying find a way to put Humpty Dumpty back on the wall.

But no matter what happens down the road, there has been a seismic shift in your marriage. Things will never be the same again.

So you find yourself in this completely unknown territory. And there’s no simple fix, no magic bullet, no secret formula – no one hour Martinizing.

At first your hope springs eternal. “She smiled at me – it’s all good now!”

“She hugged me back, sort of, we’re on the way back!”

“She put a heart emoji in the text. We’re golden! Okay, it was only a purple heart, whatever the hell that means…”

"I love you but I'm not IN love with you."

Then the next thing you know, she rips the heart out of your chest and beats you over the head with it.

The only way to get through this tunnel – to climb out of hell – is to play the Long Game.

The long game is played by inches over a span of years – perhaps a lifetime even.

The long game is for those who aren’t looking for an escape hatch. It’s for those men who realize that “this is the way it is right now.”

Maybe, just maybe, there is a prize hiding inside of this shit sandwich.

There IS a PRIZE. But here’s the thing:

  • Getting your wife back is NOT the prize
  • Putting it all back together again is NOT the prize
  • Stopping the pain as quickly as possible is not the prize
  • Getting to have sex again (with her) is not the prize
  • Cutting your losses and getting the hell out of Dodge is also not the prize

From this place – where you’re at right now -- you have no idea what the prize even is. You wouldn’t recognize it if you saw it. Because you can’t know today, what you will know tomorrow. Impossible.

But wait, you said maybe there actually was a prize!

Yes, I did. But it's not what you think.

The only prize worth anything is YOU. 

The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is the man you are becoming and the life that only THAT man can create.

This kind of prize is truly priceless. And it doesn’t depend on anything external.

You don’t need more money, more training, more status, more anything. Everything you need is already inside of you. It’s always been there, it just gets buried under a bunch of life’s shit. And we end up forgetting it was ever there.

You don’t need any permission, validation, or the right moment to get into this game.

You only need to get off the bench and get on the field.

So what does playing the long game look like?

  • It’s showing up every day as the best version of you
  • It’s falling off the horse a thousand times and getting back on with no loss of enthusiasm  
  • It’s practicing being this 2.0 version of you every day, day in and day out until you can hardly remember what the old guy was like
  • But most of all, it’s fully accepting that this new way of being is not a place to GET TO, but a place to COME FROM for the rest of your life

The long game is like a mountain with no top. So you need to learn to love climbing.

The good news is that you don’t need anything to start playing this game. You don’t need more money, more training, more status, more anything. Everything you need is already inside of you. It’s always been there, it just gets buried under a bunch of life’s shit. And we end up forgetting it was ever there.

You don’t need permission, validation, or the right moment to play this game.

You only need to get off the bench and get on the field.

Will it be painless? Hell no. As Brene Brown says, if you want to play this game, “… you will absolutely get your ass kicked on a regular basis.”

Is it worth it? It was for me. And it has been for the men I work with. But the only way to find out is to jump in and stay in.

A game of inches played out over years.

That may not sound as glamorous as “You can save your marriage in 7 days.” But trust me, it’s the only game worth playing.


Tim Wade


After being blindsided by the divorce bomb and a “walkaway wife” in 2015, I created LionHearted Men and Tim Wade Coaching, by turning my deepest wound into a powerful message of transformation that I have shared with thousands of men worldwide.

As a Master Relationship Coach, Author and Speaker, I bring 25+ years of experience in personal growth and transformation. My passion is to share with other men the counter-intuitive secrets that helped him me become a strong, compassionate, successful partner and father.

Leave a Reply


Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked

{"email":"Email address invalid","url":"Website address invalid","required":"Required field missing"}